Things My Mother Taught Me

My mother taught me to appreciate a job well done:
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

My mother taught me religion:
"You'd better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about time travel:
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me logic:
"Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me foresight:
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

I LOVE THIS ONE!
My mother taught me irony:
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of osmosis:
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

My mother taught me about contortionism:
"Look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about weather:
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."


My mother taught me about hypocrisy:
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

This is another good one!
My mother taught me about the circle of life:
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about anticipation:
"Just you wait until we get home!"

My mother taught me about receiving:
"Boy, are you are going to get it when you get home!"

My mother taught me medical science:
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

My mother taught me humor:
"When that lawnmower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My mother taught me wisdom:
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand." So True!

Most important, my mother taught me about justice:
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"